I honestly cannot even fathom why my life has to be the way it is. And don’t comment on this with some bullshit saying “That’s just the way life is, once you’re older you’ll understand” Or something along those lines, because that’s a pile of smelly old shit. I look at other people and how much they have, how lucky they are, how many people they have to help them, guide them even. I look at my
self and see that I have nobody. No friends that I can text or call and say “Let’s hang out.” and have them show up just because they want to see me. No girlfriend, or anyone who even thinks of me as something more than a friend. No one that I can turn to when I’m feeling down and tell them how I’m feeling, so that they can try and cheer me up somehow. No father to bring me to do father and son kind of things, or even just to play a video game with me or something. No-one really. I look at all of you people on facebook that I see complaining about how you have nothing to do, or that your life’s over because you don’t get to be with your friends this weekend, or something as trivial as that. Think about the fact that there are people out there (Me, for example.) that don’t HAVE people that they can turn to and make plans in a matter of seconds, or a clique of sorts that they can call up and ask to party or anything of the sort. I literally have nobody. Along with the fact that my family has been poor my entire life, having to deal with an abusive stepfather from the age of around 5 through 10 or 11, watching him hurt my mother in ways that I really wish I hadn’t had to see. On top of all of that, I had to deal with being a loner in school my entire life. Sure, I knew a lot of the people, but I never had my own group to hang out with that I knew for sure that I could sit with them at lunch and it’d be cool. Especially Middle School and the beginning of High School. In Middle School, kids start growing up and realizing there are more ways to torture kids around them than there used to be. Larger vocabularies, which means more swears and increasingly rude things to do to the other kids to humiliate them and make them want to give up. I joined in on the bullying once in a while, as most kids do at least once in their lives, but I felt so guilty when I did it. Because of the fact that I myself was getting bullied as well. I never did talk a lot in school, as I didn’t have much to say to people. That’s why whenever I did talk, it was always some kind of a joke towards something someone had just said, or something to make people laugh. Because that’s really all I’m good for, is making people laugh once in a while, while most of the time just taking up space. Anyway, every day at the Middle School during lunch I would have to find a spot to sit, and it was usually okay when I sat with the jocks and preppy kids. But sometimes I would get left out, and would have to find other places to sit. Pretty much wherever there was a seat open, was where I could sit. Then there was finding seats in classes. That was always a tough one as well, because as I said, I wasn’t really anyone’s first choice to sit next to. Then when I got to High School I realized that the only way to be accepted, was to act like all the other popular people did. Barely a semester into the school year, I realized something even worse. I shouldn’t be there. That’s when I started skipping school, and started doing everything I could so that I didn’t have to go in and tell all my teachers in front of my peers that I didn’t have any of my homework done, or any of my work done at all to be quite frank. It’s not that I couldn’t do my work, it’s that I didn’t deem it necessary to do, because let’s be honest here, when the hell am I going to need to know about where each country in Africa is and what all their names are, or when will I need to use algebra in my day to day life? High School came and I started thinking more about things, about how fucked up our society is. About how fucked up our school system is, that we have 4 subjects that MUST be learned along with your gym/health and such, and learned to it’s fullest extent, in order to pass as a ‘High School Graduate’. I figured out that I don’t want to be like everyone else. I’m glad that I wasn’t brought up to be close minded, and that I didn’t have a parent who pushed me to play sports all year ‘round or things as such. I’m glad that I have a mother who isn’t blinded by the media or politicians. I’m certainly not blaming anyone for anything, I just feel like people need to understand why I feel the way I feel all the time. Life is shit, people die, the government isn’t really on our side anymore, everyone else in the world hates America, so on and so forth. I hope that this at least gets read by people, I honestly couldn’t give any less of a fuck about getting likes or comments on this. Just please read it thoroughly, so that you too may understand my reasoning for this hatred towards everything that has happened/will happen to me.